Pointless rant.

BALLS.

 I hate writing myself in circles. I spent so much time preparing for my essay, finding evidence and outside arguments, and outlining my argument. Yet I still end up contradicting myself. I keep thinking "wait, I don't think any of this is right, let me just scrap the whole thing even though it's due in two days!" I've lost my grip on writing about literature over the past two years to my psychology and hard science courses. I just plain suck at this now.

Woe is me. lol

Nights like these

Nights (into mornings) like these remind me just how young and carefree I can be. And how I'm living my youth fully, yet being level-headed enough to not make choices I regret.

And it's not like I needed a cute boy to compliment me to remind me that I can be attractive, but it definitely does help bring back hope to what seemed like a dry spell in the boy department (well, amongst boys I'm attracted to back).

This is vague and sounding shallow, so I'll stop. But you remember this night at the Venue, girl.

No more complaining!

Finally made it to the library.
I've been productive.

I can do this.

And it doesn't hurt that I have the most pictaresque view from the 4th floor of the library, overlooking an Autumnal Canterbury, with hills and fog in the background.

So blessed. I shant e'er complain.

On academics..

I'm incredibly frustrating. I know what I need to do on weekdays when everyone's in class. I know when I should go to bed on weeknights when I'm not being productive and there isn't an event to be a part of. I know I should be productive in these rare times when there's nothing else going on.

But I can't! I just can't seem to work hard here. I can read a lot, I can work on a group presentation because the imminent pressure to impress my class and my partner and show my best is there. But when I have what presently seems like hours and hours to work on my essays (though I know putting things off will come bite me in the ass in like, two days), I just can't seem to stay focused for more than three minutes.

And I'm frustrating myself because I've been through this so many times before; I've been a freshman already, I have three years of university under my belt, and though I've never had this little class time and this much "independent work" (e.g. "Write us a 4,000 word essay on this topic you have almost no concrete knowledge of"), it's all the same. You lay out all the shit you have to do academically, you lay out all the fun things you want to do, and you plan out how you can do both, while still taking care of errands, sleeping, and leaving some squish room for spontaneity and the unexpected (which occur quite more often when studying in a foreign country).

But instead of following this simple little plan in prioritizing my time while abroad, my thought process is more like HOLY CRAP I'M IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY THIS IS SO COOL THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SEE AND DO AND TASTE AND PEOPLE I WANT TO MEET AND BECOME FRIENDS WITH AND OH BTW I NEED TO GO FIND MYSELF AN IRISH HUSBAND OH I FEEL LIKE RUNNING THAT COUNTRY TRAIL THIS AFTERNOON OH WAIT SALSA DANCING TONIGHT YAYYYY I TOTALLY WANT TO GO OUT TO THE PUBS TONIGHT OH HOUSE PARTY SWEET FOOD MORE FOOD YAY SPONTANEOUS LIFE TALKS AND OTHER TALKS AND TALKING YAY TALKING LET'S PLAN ANOTHER TRIP SOMEWHERE. I can't possibly be bothered to work on anything academic now, right? What will I remember 20 years from now, all these experiences, or writing 12,000 words and reading 5 million books/journal articles?

Not exaggerating.

And this, my [nonexistant] friends [of this blog], is the struggle with studying abroad.

Can I finally become a runner?!

I went on a jog again.

This town is the best place to take a jog. I can not even fathom the amount of positive reinforcement my brain's received this evening from taking a jog here.

A friend of mine mentioned he found a trail from campus leading to Whitstable, a nearby seaside town, and so I thought I'd do the same. It was too easy to find, and before I knew it, I was jogging between meadows while the sun slowly descended, casting a dusk-like starry twinkle over the plant-life that was so vibrantly British (in my mind). There were farm lands and pastures, berry trimmed bushes, squirrels (of course), horse manure and tractor tracks. I also came across a historical church and graveyard site, apparently dating back to the 13th century, as being along a salt path that was used to bring salt to/from the sea?! That's older than 'murrica, y'all. 

 I'm in my Austen-ian dreamworld, and getting exercise while I'm at it.

This all made me realize a few things:

• I like nature. Well, I knew that before, but my time here has struck home the point that I need to have nature in my daily life down the line (as in when I'm no longer so young, and I'm settled down perhaps?). I do love the liveliness that is city life, don't get me wrong, but maybe not forever. 
• There's nothing better for your mental state than going outside, taking a walk or a going on a run, and breathing fresh, clean air. Ok well other things come close, like spending time with people you love and laughing with them, eating delicious food, dancing to your heart's content, and listening to your favorite music. But still, there's a lot to say about going out into the open world and taking deep breaths. 
• It would be cool if I could learn to grow stuff. My mom's good at it, and I want to be, too. But..I feel like that's way down on the list of things I want to learn to do, so maybe it won't happen... 

Can I marry places?

I'm back from London, with a refreshed desire to explore and travel more and more.

We (me, Aimee, Rebecka, Sarah, and Helene, all Scandinavian) stayed at a really cool hostel in a not so cool area, and met cool Australian girls who are traveling and trying to find work in England. Just from chatting over our scarce continental breakfast, I learned a bit about their open minds in relation to traveling, some social issues in Australia, and tips on the best ways to see Australia were I to visit someday.

And this is what I love so much about traveling: so much can come from any moment. You can get so much out of every interaction, every location, every food and building and person you come across.

I fell in love with London even more this weekend, as we explored Portobello Road, Brick Lane (awesome area open only Sundays), Camden Market, and Harrods [pick the one that doesn't belong with the others haha]. Oh and of course a pub in Soho Saturday night (where I furthered my appreciation for ciders in England. They are now my drink of choice).

Throughout the weekend though, I just kept thinking how I would love to share this all with my family. I recently emailed my sister about visiting me after my school term ends, as I think it would be a BRILLIANT idea to travel London for a week around Christmas time just before heading home for Christmas itself. Two sisters, catching up after 4 months, roaming the streets of this city that is just. so. alive. She just HAS TO COME (Lila, I hope you're reading this!).

I get so excited about food, too, in case people haven't noticed already. It's something I've come to integrate into my identity over the past few years, starting probably around the time I left for college. Finding delicious unique foods, full of flavor, love, and care, has apparently become a hobby of mine. I can't seem to go to a new city without trying to find some new specialty food to try- it's almost mandatory! And it's not that I overeat or spend loads of money on food either (well, that's arguable haha..), it's more that it can become a premeditated task (or not, in many spontaneous and delicious cases). I'm lucky that Aimee and Rebecka seem to be equally as in love with food as I (especially Aimee), and willing to put a good amount of our energies into food hunting this weekend!

I don't want to stop seeing the world, though I understand the importance of having a place to call home as well. I just don't want to become too comfortable or complacent (thank you, Oliver, for phrasing it that way) to stop finding reason to go pursue beauty in the world.

No one gives a crap.

For the first time in 3 years, I've had an Autumn without anxiety. That is, until today.

After speaking with a somewhat cute boy last night at Salsa, and being asked about my life and all these big questions regarding post-grad life, I had, again for the 32432048320th time, the realization that I HAVE NO DAMN IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

And that's ok.

Like, seriously Sheila.

Believe it.

Today started off well and good, but I kept thinking about last night, and how I didn't feel confident or as if I  was showing my best self to this somewhat cute boy when we were talking about these big things. I had barely just met him, and yet already I felt like he saw something lacking in me, that I may not be driven enough or have-it-all-together enough. Which, firstly, is not true! And not important. Especially since he also doesn't know exactly what he's doing, either! Or even at all!

And who really does know everything they're going to do in their life? NOBODY. Yes, it is absolutely necessary for me to have some goals laid out, but in terms of knowing everything I'm going to do- not so much.

It's just that I've had this irrational fear for the past two years (probably since it took me a long time to become open to the idea of letting someone into my life) that I wouldn't be able to really get close to someone if I didn't have everything in my life figured out. The whole idea being that if I didn't know myself well enough to know exactly what I'm passionate about, and how I'm somehow supposed to link that to a stable, lucrative career, how was anyone else supposed to get to know me well.

And you know what? This thought process is so twisted. That last sentence up there, in the previous paragraph, is ludacris. It's just an unforgiving a thought.

So, after a chat with mama, my housemate Rebecka (who, though she comes from a different country and culture, can relate so well), and a skype with one of my best friends Kimi tonight, I feel better. Further from any bit of anxiety that wanted to creep up. Kimi, who just came back from studying abroad a few months ago, put this worry of careers/future/trying to be good enough for others, best: "No on gives a CRAP. Go live your life."

I will Kimi, I will.

An ode to the men in Salsa Society

On meeting a new partner at Salsa Society...

...don't tell her you're impressed that she's studying Psychology, ask her what sign she is, and then get defensive when she responds that she (and her fellow psychology students) doesn't believe in astrology. And then when you're dancing with her again in the lesson bring it up again and ask for her to tell you her sign this time and then say she's stubborn because she's a Taurus. Dafuq?

...do ask her what she likes about England. How she likes California. What her favorite foods are. Whether she's passionate about her course. How she likes where she's living. Do look at her in the eyes when she speaks. She notices the difference.

Wind in my hair

I decided to go for a run today.

Quite possibly the first time I've legitimately gotten my heart rate up since being in LA this summer for summer school.

That whole "runner's high" concept became runner's "fill Sheila's brain with more oxygen and blood than it's had for 2 months and cause her to fear passing out after ten minutes of running."

The fresh air and greenery SO DEFINITELY lend themselves to the idea of running.

The random downpours, however, do not.

I learned the hard way. Today. Classical conditioning anyone?

Though in all honesty, I really did enjoy jogging in the rain- it kept me cool, camouflaged my sweat (if I even broke a sweat), and made me run even faster to get home. And made me look like a bad ass.

Needless to say, I'm excited to go again, and follow a new green trail in my England.

Beach Towns

Are lazy

Filled with pubs

Remind me of Never Let Me Go (which I get to read for my Comparative Lit. course)

Dog friendly

Beautiful on perfectly sunny weekends (that happen to be followed by rainy Mondays...coincidence? I think not)

Fill this girl with so much love for the place she gets to call home for a few months, for the towns she gets to explore, the foods she gets to try, and the people she learns from, experiences with, and befriends.