No one gives a crap.

For the first time in 3 years, I've had an Autumn without anxiety. That is, until today.

After speaking with a somewhat cute boy last night at Salsa, and being asked about my life and all these big questions regarding post-grad life, I had, again for the 32432048320th time, the realization that I HAVE NO DAMN IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

And that's ok.

Like, seriously Sheila.

Believe it.

Today started off well and good, but I kept thinking about last night, and how I didn't feel confident or as if I  was showing my best self to this somewhat cute boy when we were talking about these big things. I had barely just met him, and yet already I felt like he saw something lacking in me, that I may not be driven enough or have-it-all-together enough. Which, firstly, is not true! And not important. Especially since he also doesn't know exactly what he's doing, either! Or even at all!

And who really does know everything they're going to do in their life? NOBODY. Yes, it is absolutely necessary for me to have some goals laid out, but in terms of knowing everything I'm going to do- not so much.

It's just that I've had this irrational fear for the past two years (probably since it took me a long time to become open to the idea of letting someone into my life) that I wouldn't be able to really get close to someone if I didn't have everything in my life figured out. The whole idea being that if I didn't know myself well enough to know exactly what I'm passionate about, and how I'm somehow supposed to link that to a stable, lucrative career, how was anyone else supposed to get to know me well.

And you know what? This thought process is so twisted. That last sentence up there, in the previous paragraph, is ludacris. It's just an unforgiving a thought.

So, after a chat with mama, my housemate Rebecka (who, though she comes from a different country and culture, can relate so well), and a skype with one of my best friends Kimi tonight, I feel better. Further from any bit of anxiety that wanted to creep up. Kimi, who just came back from studying abroad a few months ago, put this worry of careers/future/trying to be good enough for others, best: "No on gives a CRAP. Go live your life."

I will Kimi, I will.